Suspicious Mind by Michelle Jones

It was a dream interrupted, and waking up was devastating.  Two and a half weeks before the wedding, my fiancé and I called it off.  We were both heartbroken.  Even right decisions come with their own exquisite misery.

I cried so much back then.  My tears have long since stopped, but occasionally, a deep sadness about it will press my spirit.  What did not pass so quickly from me was the fear that seized me every time I thought about marriage.

What if it never happens? What if I am ultimately unlovable?

I was terrorized by those worries.  I deliberately use that word because the assault on my soul was unmistakable.  The goal of every terrorist is to keep you afraid, paralyzed in your pain, and suspicious of everyone.  Sure, I went to church on Sundays, threw up my hands, sang, even experienced fleeting moments of joy, but at my core, the questions battered me.  Envy, uncertainty, and discontentment took root…and I became suspicious of God.

When that realization got too uncomfortable for me, I locked myself in my bedroom and challenged God to prove His intentions.

“It isn’t fair!” I railed at Him. ” You told me to ‘expect some things,’” I reminded Him.  I had even written it down.  I found the journal entry and read it aloud (as if He needed His memory jogged).  Right there, in the center of my bed, I threw my Lord’s words back at Him.  “You said, ‘expect some things’!”

I said expect them.  Don’t demand them.

Excuse me?  It was a whisper within me, but His presence was instantly recognizable.  He had my attention now.

I know you’re disappointed, but I have never disappointed you.  To disappoint is to act apart from a prearranged set of plans.  I know the plans I have for you…

He continued on, reminding me of all He had been to me; perfect in word and deed, reliable, never weak or frivolous, fierce and jealous in love, unchanging.  Finally, my grief gave way to confidence, as I remembered that the desires of my heart were His desires first.

We flourish not by having what we want, but by wanting what we have and trusting God to deliver all things in their time.

That is what it means to hope.

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