Suspicious Mind by Michelle Jones

It was a dream interrupted, and waking up was devastating.  Two and a half weeks before the wedding, my fiancé and I called it off.  We were both heartbroken.  Even right decisions come with their own exquisite misery.

I cried so much back then.  My tears have long since stopped, but occasionally, a deep sadness about it will press my spirit.  What did not pass so quickly from me was the fear that seized me every time I thought about marriage.

What if it never happens? What if I am ultimately unlovable?

I was terrorized by those worries.  I deliberately use that word because the assault on my soul was unmistakable.  The goal of every terrorist is to keep you afraid, paralyzed in your pain, and suspicious of everyone.  Sure, I went to church on Sundays, threw up my hands, sang, even experienced fleeting moments of joy, but at my core, the questions battered me.  Envy, uncertainty, and discontentment took root…and I became suspicious of God.

When that realization got too uncomfortable for me, I locked myself in my bedroom and challenged God to prove His intentions.

“It isn’t fair!” I railed at Him. ” You told me to ‘expect some things,’” I reminded Him.  I had even written it down.  I found the journal entry and read it aloud (as if He needed His memory jogged).  Right there, in the center of my bed, I threw my Lord’s words back at Him.  “You said, ‘expect some things’!”

I said expect them.  Don’t demand them.

Excuse me?  It was a whisper within me, but His presence was instantly recognizable.  He had my attention now.

I know you’re disappointed, but I have never disappointed you.  To disappoint is to act apart from a prearranged set of plans.  I know the plans I have for you…

He continued on, reminding me of all He had been to me; perfect in word and deed, reliable, never weak or frivolous, fierce and jealous in love, unchanging.  Finally, my grief gave way to confidence, as I remembered that the desires of my heart were His desires first.

We flourish not by having what we want, but by wanting what we have and trusting God to deliver all things in their time.

That is what it means to hope.

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6 Comments

  1. RB said,

    January 7, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Well now. That said, I believe I will run on to see what the end is gonna be.
    This spoke to my heart and it’s pain.

  2. mercedes_miller@hotmail.com said,

    January 7, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Your words. His words through you. Fingerprints on my life today! Yes, yes indeed keep writing. Out of that cocoon is coming something so grand, I dare not take my eyes off this blog 😉

  3. Talia Thorne said,

    January 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    I received this through Mercedes. Let me just say WAO!!!! So..I’m not the only one that’s been through this and is in constant struggle between what I want and my timing and what God wants for me and his timing….
    Would love to read more of your material, and I’m sure my friends will want to too.

  4. Mary Williams said,

    January 8, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Not only does this speak to me and remind me of expectation vs demand, your words help me to help others and practice what I preach. So often, we offer encouragement to others without truly believing ourselves. But when it is offered to you, you realize that God is guiding your tongue, speaking through you and to you. Michelle, thank you, as always for sharing your wisdom.

  5. Beth Adams said,

    January 10, 2010 at 7:19 am

    You write as though God is speaking to me… It’s beautiful… Graceful… Peaceful… Calming… Thank you! Keep writing… I love you mj!

  6. Lenae Bryant said,

    January 23, 2010 at 9:47 am

    I have now read all of your writings in Jan 2010. I am awestruck. You have the skill of a writer’s pen. You feel the same things I do and the wonderings of how long, the waiting process for our heart’s desires to line up with the will of God. It is ultimately His timing of the things that He has chosen for our lives when we submit to Him completely. He indeed knows our future. One day is a thousand years to God. I have to keep on remembering that. It is so easy to counsel someone else. Not easy at all for us to listen to that wise counsel and apply to our own lives. I am so glad that you are all grown up now and have transformed into mature BUTTERFLY. I love you girl… stay in the Lord’s will.


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